


almost is never enough

by uncleanakin (unclemoriarty)



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cassian POV, F/M, Falling In Love, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Jyn POV, K-2SO POV, Light Angst, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Romance, Snuggle time with papa galen and baby jyn, THIS IS ONLY A PREVIEW OF THE NEW CHAPTER, cassian is in Denial, chirrut is my smol philosophical Son, chirrut ships rebelcaptain so hard, im never writing from a droids perspective again
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-23
Updated: 2017-03-08
Packaged: 2018-09-11 08:08:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8971291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unclemoriarty/pseuds/uncleanakin
Summary: The saddest word in the whole wide world is the word "almost":He was almost in love.She was almost good for him.He almost stopped her.She almost waited.They almost lived.They almost made it. THIS NEW CHAPTER IS ONLY A PREVIEW OF WHAT IS TO COMEI'M POSTING IT TO PROVE I HAVEN'T ABANDONED THIS FIC*****YO PEOPLE I AM BACK FROM THE DEAD (AKA SENIOR YEAR OF HS) AND I AM CURRENTLY WRITING THE REST OF CHAPTER FOUR. BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR THE UPDATE. SUBSCRIBE/BOOKMARK OR WHATEVER IF YOU WANT TO READ IT****





	1. almost

 

Jyn snuggles deeper under the covers and pulls the sheet over herself until she can’t see the glow of her orange night-light. “Papa?” Her voice is muffled against his chest.

“Yes, my Stardust?” Papa pulls her closer and drops a kiss onto her little sheet-covered head.

“Do you love me lots?”

She hears the smile in his voice. “More than lots, love.”

“Not true.”

Papa stops holding her as tightly as he had been. “Why do you say that?”

Time to surface for air. Jyn pops out from beneath the blanket. “Because _I_ love you more than lots and you can’t because I already do!”

His laugh is rumbly. “Oh, Stardust, you will never know how much I love you.” He taps her nose with his finger. “And I _can_ love you more than lots because I’m bigger. I have more space for the love, see?” He stretches his free arm out.

Indignant, Jyn sits up and stretches her arms out as well. “I’m big, too! I have space for love, too!”

“All right, you can have lots of space in your heart for love because you’re _so_ big, but still not as much as me,” he teases.

Jyn scrunches up her face. “I am going to be taller than you,” she announces solemnly.

Papa laughs again and his smile crinkles his face. “Of course, love.”

“And then I’ll have so much love that I can love everybody ever and then have leftovers.” She gives a determined nod.

“But that’s only when you’re all grown up.” Papa pokes her nose again. “Until then, all your love is for Mama and me, right?”

“Right.” Jyn hugs him firmly.

“But you’re almost there, my Stardust. Almost."


	2. almost in love

Yes, usually Cassian wouldn’t care about an asset, but— wait, no, he still doesn’t. Caring about an asset? About _someone_? Of course not. He stopped doing that a long time ago.

It’s just that he thinks it necessary that Jyn doesn’t die because... because of how important she is. To the Rebel Alliance. She is very...useful. She fights extremely well, and is intelligent, stubborn, sharp, determined, brave, selfless, kind, beautif— oh.

W-well that last one can also be helpful, right? The Rebellion can use a spy who will be easy to talk to. When someone has a nice face, people feel more at ease. Yes, that makes sense. And it also helps that her speaking voice sounds lovely. No one would mistake her for a holofilm star, but her kind of beauty, it’s fresh, it’s real, it's...beside the point. Completely beside the point.

The point is, Cassian needs to keep her alive because of good reasons. That’s why he wants to know where she is and how she is at all times. Which is exactly what he’s thinking about right now.

If she were like the other soldiers, she would still be with the rest of the crew, waiting in the U-wing for him and Bodhi to come back. But even with the little time he’s known her, Cassian would be surprised if she actually did stay. And that means that if she’d go anywhere, she’d be following him right now. Which he is not all right with.

He glances behind him. Too dark. The only things he sees are more wet rocks reflecting the light from Eadu's shuttle depot. In front of him, Bohdi slips. Cassian grabs his arm and steadies him before he has the chance to fall over the edge.

"Careful,” he murmurs. “Don’t want to call attention to ourselves.”

“Isn’t not dying higher on that list?”

Cassian shrugs. “Depends on your point of view.”

Bodhi shakes his head. "You rebels are not what I expected.”

“You’re a rebel now, too, you know.”

“Oh. Yeah.”

What had _Jyn_ expected of the rebels before all of this? He knows what she thinks now of them but what does she think of _him_ , specifically? If she knew what he's about to do...

But that's not relevant. His job is to just follow orders, no matter how questionable they are. No matter what they entail. Even if following through with them breaks someone's heart.

It's strange to have that sort of power. Anyone can hurt someone, but few can break a heart. After finishing the mission, can he be forgiven? Or will Jyn hate him?

 "We're here."

There's a small hill in front of them and just beyond that, the Imperial shuttle depot. Ideal place for sniping. "Good spot," he tells Bodhi. They crawl over the sharp pebbles until Cassian finds the perfect view.

When they see Erso, Cassian's heart speeds up just a bit. This is it. All he needs is to have no witnesses. He glances at Bodhi. What if he— no, someone would hear his A280 and then he'd be spotted before he got the chance to complete the mission. Besides, what would Jyn thin— no. He can't think of her right now. He tells Bodhi to go back, that he'll catch up. There's suspicion in Bodhi's eyes. Smart man.

His finger is damp when he places it on the trigger. Rain, or sweat? Either one, that combined with the wind is going to make his job harder.

He looks again through the sight and sees...Jyn's eyes. What? No, they're just Erso's. The resemblance between the two only serves to mock Cassian. He imagines those eyes opened in fear, horror, as a blaster bolt races towards them. Galen's or Jyn's, they'd look the same. Except no matter whose eyes he was aiming at, Jyn's would look at him with betrayal.

Cassian blinks the rain out of his own eyes. Kriff, this is a lot more difficult than he anticipated.

But that doesn't matter. He's completed harder missions than this. He can do this. He _will_ do this.

Deep breath in, and out. Fire at the end of the exhale. Same thing he's done a million times.

In, out. He replaces his finger on the cold metal. Begins to squeeze the trigger and—

What is he doing? This woman has already lost both parents to the Empire. After years of being alone, she not only has just found her father but also has discovered a place that is ready to welcome her. 

Is he really going to take those things away?

No. He can't do this. His finger slips from the trigger.

All of a sudden, the rain feels colder. Kriff. He is going to get in trouble. Big trouble. Disobeying direct orders? He's done for.

But maybe they'll be lenient? After all, Galen Erso is a very talented man. The Rebellion can use someone like him. In fact, Cassian just did them a favor by deciding to not kill him. There will be more benefits to having him alive rather than dead.

No, of course he isn't doing this for Jyn. (And even if he were, so what? He has very good reasons for the things he does.)

But he isn't. Because he doesn't care about her. The only thing he cares about is getting the job done and helping the Rebellion. That's his duty. After that can come... caring.

So of course Cassian doesn't care about Jyn. And he most definitely isn't in love. Oh, no.

Not at all and yet, almost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since this is my first rebelcaptain fic and I've only watched rogue 1 once, I know there'll prolly be a lot of ooc stuff, but never fear! I'm going to watch it again this Tuesday and hopefully I'll get a better grasp on who the characters are. But feel free to give suggestions on how I can make this better, k? Just leave any suggestions in the comments below :D


	3. almost good for him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to everyone who has left comments-- every single one makes me so happy and fuels my motivation to write! And in regards to my last author's note in the previous sneak peek of this chapter, my sister's wedding went spectacularly and I sent in all of my college applications and essays. Thanks for the well wishes :D

Of all the humans in the galaxy, why does _this_ one have to be the one that Cassian pays attention to? There are so many others available. Others that are trustworthy, predictable, and not dangerous at all. And less annoying. But no, Cassian has to gravitate towards the one who is the complete opposite of all of those.

It doesn’t make sense. Cassian has always been careful about who he trusts and who he spends time with (and with good reason). Yet with this one woman, everything has changed. _Cassian_ has changed. It makes no logical sense at all.

Emotional sense perhaps, but K-2SO wouldn’t know about that sort of thing. Droids are fortunately exempt from any human entanglements like emotions.

It’s strange. In the past, K-2 could have called Cassian anything but emotion-driven. And now... well. Before, Cassian and he had operated perfectly in sync: plan everything out to the last detail, be completely prepared, do the job, get out fast. It hadn’t been elegant, but it had been efficient.

With the arrival of Jyn Erso, everything has been thrown out of order. Instead of following orders, she makes her own. Instead of doing everything according to plan, she improvises. Of course, every once in a while a mission needs some ad-libbing, but she does it way more often than necessary.

Yet, while K-2 would be loathe to say this, he is 84.6701928 percent positive that Jyn Erso is actually a good influence on Captain Andor. An extremely high number to be sure of, given that she has been around for only a short time. And given that Jyn Erso is, well, how she is: unpredictable and very often vaguely threatening.

Simply out of spite at the fact that Jyn Erso is a perfect example for the dictionary entries of both unsystematic and chaotic, K-2SO has made an orderly and logical list of his observations:

Over the past couple days, Cassian has:

       _1\. shown a marked increase in mood._

    To undiscerning humans unfamiliar with him, there would be nothing out of the ordinary. However, K-2’s highly perceptive optical sensors have picked up:

       _(a) the upturned corners of Cassian’s mouth_

                          and

        _(b) the new height that his eyebrows have acquired on his forehead_

    Two well-known signs of the human emotion called ‘happiness’.

    (A quick look into the HoloNet informs him that such ‘micro-expressions’ can also be signs of attraction between humans, but that information is most likely irrelevant.)

       _2\. been more talkative._

    Before this, K-2SO could _never_ have predicted he would describe Cassian as such. But then again, with the arrival of Jyn Erso into their lives, nothing again could be predictable.

Cassian has actually been opening up more and saying whatever comes into his mind. Of course, when Cassian does that, it elicits a small smile from Jyn Erso and a witty comeback, but when K-2 does it, it's always "unnecessary", "annoying", and "too much information". Humans are so biased, unlike droids. Droids are very impartial to everything and always see things for how they are. At least, K-2 does.

“Ha!” Someone barks out a laugh from behind K-2SO’s seat in the cockpit.“I completely disagree. But besides what you have just now said, my friend, you seem to be correct.”

K-2 turns around to see Chirrut Îmwe and Baze Malbus sitting in the cabin, evidently waiting for the rest of the crew to finish their last-minute preparations. “I didn’t say anything. I was _thinking_.”

Chirrut Îmwe bows his head. “Of course. Except I have noticed that when you ‘think’, you do it out loud.”

Hmph. Like he was _thinking_ , humans don’t truly understand the world around them. Their little brains couldn’t handle the truth. When they don’t understand something, they make things up to explain it. For example, he has been thinking this whole time. These humans are just making things up. It’s impossible that they heard what he was thinking. And if they _did_ hear what he was thinking, they would definitely not disagree with his conclusions about Jyn Erso.

Baze Malbus snorts. “The droid is defective. Cassian should get a better one.”

“Hey! I’m perfectly—”

“K-2SO,” Chirrut Îmwe interrupts. He places his chin on his walking staff. “I agree with what you said about Jyn having much potential for good.”

“I didn’t say anyth—”

“But—” the blind Guardian holds up a hand—”you are mistaken about one thing; droids cannot fully comprehend Truth or Reality. Neither can any living being. We are all too small to hold that knowledge inside of us. Perhaps one day, when we die—”

“Don’t bother explaining it.” Baze Malbus rolls his eyes. “You worry too much about little things. The droid didn’t even ask for your opinion.”

K-2 nods. “That is correct.”

“See?”

Chirrut Îmwe smiles. “I do not worry about the small things too much. I just give them the attention that they are due. Every thing, no matter how seemingly insignificant, has a great impact on the universe.”

K-2 hums as he processes the information. "I actually can find neither a scientific nor a logical flaw with that.”

“And since Jyn has a significant amount of good in her,” the man continues, “I would say that she has much potential for having a good effect on others.”

“But Cassian?" Baze Malbus raises an eyebrow. "I’m not agreeing with your Force-vibe you got from him, but I do have doubts about that man. He seems like someone who lives like he doesn’t exist. His whole being is the Rebellion. For someone to really change—for better or for worse—they need to reflect on who they are.”

“Listen to you,” Chirrut Îmwe teases, “the realistic Baze Malbus actually philosophizing on ideals for once.”

“It’s all your fault,” the warrior grumbles. “You’ve influenced me.”

“Humans do tend to bond and influence each other while spending a considerable amount of time together or after going through emotionally taxing moments together,” K-2 adds helpfully.

“Exactly why there is hope for our wayward captain to benefit from his association with Jyn. They both fulfill all the requirements.” If Chirrut Îmwe could see, he would have given a very pointed glance towards his companion, K-2SO is sure.

“But what are the benefits? What good can possibly come out of it?” Baze Malbus crosses his arms.

“Ah, my dear friend, now you are just being contrary.”

“I made a list of the possible positive outcomes,” K-2 offers. “The negative ones too.”

Chirrut Îmwe waves his hand dismissively. “Thank you, K-2SO, but that won't be necessary. It’s very simple once you think through the steps, Baze. One: goodness is how things are meant to be since evil is the perversion of good. Or, evil is imbalance, good is balance. Yes?" He directs the question towards the other human.

“I never missed a day of training at the temple, you know.”

“Humor me. Two: no being is meant to be unhealthy or unhappy; the most true and ideal form of a thing is perfect and it is impossible that a sick mind or body can be perfect. In other words, when something is sick—mentally or physically, it is not what it is meant to be.”

“Obviously.”

“Three: happiness contributes to the health of a living being.”

Baze Malbus gives a nod.

“Four: we have noticed Captain Andor become light of heart around Jyn.”

“Hah, almost.”

“And we can call that happiness. Or the beginnings of happiness.”

“Sure.” He shrugs and wipes some more dirt off the blaster cannon beside him.

“Now do you understand where I’m going?”

“I don’t see it.”

Chirrut Îmwe laughs. “Neither do I, but it still is clear to me.”

Baze Malbus rolls his eyes at the pun. "Clear?"

“Jyn somehow helps him be happy. Happiness helps mental and physical health. Having health is a part of reaching how a being should be. That is, achieving goodness. Thus Jyn—”

“Is good for Cassian,” the other Guardian finishes. “You could’ve just said all that from the beginning.”

“Not entirely good,” K-2 corrects. “To be precise, there is only an 84.6701928 percent chance in her favor. There is still the possibility that she could turn out quite horrible. Jyn Erso is very unpredictable.”

For example, back on Jedha— that was completely out of line. Jyn Erso doesn’t know it, but K-2 saw her from far off, diving out in the open to save the child. She should never have done that. She was supposed to follow Cassian to extremist base and speak to their leader. The Rebellion had needed her as an asset. Assets are not allowed to compromise missions simply because of one small human.

“Don’t restart that conversation,” Baze Malbus warns K-2SO. “He’ll talk for as long as it takes to convince you of the importance of the ‘small things’.”

“He’s not exaggerating. I will." Chirrut Îmwe leans back against the cabin wall and places the staff across his knees. “Jyn may be unpredictable, but the Force is not. It loves telling those who will listen what it has in store. I have listened and it has told me that Jyn is very good for Captain Andor.”

“But only 84.6701928 percent good," K-2 reminds him.

Chirrut Îmwe acquiesces with a smile. “Almost.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow writing in K-2SO's POV is actually really hard... hopefully I did him justice. I noticed in the film that he calls Jyn "Jyn Erso", as if it's one name. I thought that hilarious so I had him do that to everyone he talks to or about (except for Cassian bc reasons). Hopefully it wasn't too annoying ^.^  
> This chapter in general was super hard to pull together-- I don't think I've ever written a dialogue with more than two people (a trialogue?). Tell me what you think in the comments below! (I'm always open to kind, constructive criticism that will help me be a better writer)  
> 


	4. almost stopped her

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yet again, here is a snippet of what's to come. I'm not dead guys, I promise! I have this fic all planned out. This next chapter is just coming along really slowly, that's all (bc I have no time!!). Writing a senior thesis takes up a lot of one's free time. Who knew?

_Cassian stared at the silent comlink in his hand. Stared, then pressed the comm button. "K," his voice wavered. No response. He pressed it again. "K!" Frantically this time. He pressed the button again, again, again. Nothing. Closing his fist around the useless piece of metal in his hand, Cassian felt a familiar sensation in his chest. Like something had been savagely ripped from him that he would never get back. It had been a long time since that feeling clawed at him._

_That shouldn't have happened. He had made fortifications against that sort of thing, against being vulnerable, against... caring. He looked at the locked vault door, at the clouds of smoke curling around them, at Jyn. Her eyes were wide as she stared back at him. She said something. Or did he? He didn't know. The only thing he heard was a buzzing in his ears. A buzzing, buzzing, buzzing..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for being patient! Remember to bookmark/ subscribe this fic so you can find it easier when I update.  
> And just so you guys know, comments really help me get motivated and write as much as I can in my free time, so if there's a part of my fic that you especially like or have an idea about, let me know! Who knows, maybe an idea you bring up might be incorporated into the fic or any future stories ;D
> 
> As of June 1, I am BACK IN BUSINESS WOOOO!! hold onto your shipper hats people, this fic is gonna update soon :)

**Author's Note:**

> summary taken from these edits: [1](http://lareinecersei.tumblr.com/post/154735239906/the-saddest-word-in-the-whole-wide-world-is-the%22), [2](http://cmmdrsnow.tumblr.com/post/154717243763/the-saddest-word-in-the-whole-wide-world-is-the)  
> Come talk to me on my [tumblr](https://uncleanakin.tumblr.com)


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